I cannot keep track of the number of times I’ve said, “I’m sorry to ask, but…” to a professor or a friend. It sometimes feels like a natural reflex to apologize in an attempt to minimize the burden a minor request might impose on another. Students should stop treating their needs as an inconvenience, and rather learn to express gratitude when others offer their time and support. Apologies should be reserved for moments that genuinely require accountability.
“People don’t want to put other people out, so they feel like they want to front load an apology, and then that way they don’t feel like a burden on another person,” communications studies professor Katie Bradford said.
While apologizing for something minor may not inherently feel like a bad thing, it’s important to be intentional with speech. Constantly apologizing for needing help can feel like you’re apologizing just for existing, impacting your confidence and how others may view you in a social or professional setting.
Instead of immediately apologizing to a professor for needing clarification on a task or for asking a friend to listen when you’re upset, students should appreciate the time and effort others dedicate and recognize their generosity.
“Our brains tend to focus on those places where we don’t feel safe,” said Michelle Rodriguez, licensed marriage and family therapist. “I see it as acting out of love rather than fear. If we focus on that positive thinking, … it can shift our brain into a more positive feedback loop of gratitude and of noticing things that are positive.”
As someone with people-pleasing tendencies, I frequently find myself apologizing for everything. I didn’t notice it before starting college, but after being in more professional settings and finding friends who tell me not to apologize, I started to pay more attention to my interactions with others.
Eventually, I began to say, “thank you for listening,” instead of “sorry for ranting,” a thousand times. I started thanking my professors for their time when they opened extra office hours and thanked the countless people who helped me learn at my summer internship instead of apologizing profusely for not knowing anything.
“If we’re always saying, ‘Sorry, sorry, sorry,’ then when you say you’re sorry, is it really sorry?” Bradford said.
When apologizing becomes a reflex rather than an acknowledgement of a mistake, it becomes harder for others to tell whether you’re just being polite or genuinely taking accountability for your actions.
This isn’t to say to never apologize. If I truly hurt or wronged somebody, I own up to that. It’s important to learn to recognize when you owe someone an apology without automatically assuming every request or question warrants one. Learning to distinguish between gratitude and accountability isn’t about eliminating “I’m sorry” from one’s vocabulary, but making sure to mean it when it’s said. In some situations, a sincere “thank you” is all that’s necessary.
Cintron is a journalism junior from Houston, Texas.
